Just….

I just wanted a fresh start! I just wanted to be a good person! I just wanted a better opportunity! I just wanted to be great! I just wanted to decide what my life should be about! I just wanted to decide what is going to happen to me! I just wanted to live my life! I just wanted to have a dream! I just wanted to have a goal! I just wanted to have a better life… and I just wanted to do it on my own!

But here I am… acknowledging that… well… some people are just not meant to be great!! ENOUGH DREAMS, my life is practically over! this is what they call fate right?? I am just not born to be great! I am born to suffer my entire life,I am born to be dull and boring! I am born to struggle with everything ! I am born to not have a life!

Sooner or later,  you too will have to admit it… Some people are just not born to be GREAT !

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Tic Tac Tic Tac Tic!

…That was the sound of my life stoppin! that was my final Tic! now, I am sobbing over it! but what to sob for? it is already gone, it has withered away, there’s nobody bringing back… now all I feel is this helpless soul tied up in this dead rotten body, a body that refuses to convey this soul to its creator, a body torturing this latter but refusing to let it go…. letting it go.. yes that is what I want, yes that is what I need!

My life has just stopped! My hopes and dreams have been erased. The future I have long hoped for no longer exists.No people like me do not get that life! We don’t get to live the way we want to! People like me do what has been decided for them. People like me surrender to how things are. People like me are too afraid to take any chance whatsoever. People like me lock theirselves up until they find a way to encouter what they don’t like. Poeple like me hope they weren’t…. but they are, and change is not a possibility!

Every attempt of change ends by failure!

I am forced to stay where I am, do what I am told and forget about all I have dreamt of! But there’s just this little thing agonizing me… I don’t want this life.I cannot settle for this! This is just not the life I signed up for! I am not able to cope with this misery anymore! I am not able to live a life I hate anymore!

No I don’t wanna be an ingineer! No I don’t wanna stay in this town! No I don’t want everything already set for me! I still want my life to be vague, I want to travel, to take chances , to make mistakes and have no one to blame them on me, i want to discover this world, I want to have to make a decision about my life, I don’t want everything already there and I am just following the path to make it happen! I am not that person! I cannot settle for that kind of life! I would rather be a lonely girl on the side of the road waiting for something to happen that to be that! At least, I would be waiting, hoping… but with this …. there is no waiting, there is no hoping, there is nothing!!  This takes away every hope and dream I have ever had! This sucks my soul out of my body. This makes me ready to leave this life!

There is nothing I have I can live for…why live?

WHY?

I need to write! I have to write! This need needs to be taken care of right now, right here! I mean… writing… its everything I have!! More than the beauty of the thing, it is indeed the only way I can explore my entire mind… somehow… Explore all my ideas, even the darkest, the scariest and the craziest of all of them! Moreover, I really am going to need to get back in here someday to see what I was thinking a particular moment of my lifetime….

One Year Older!

All of this hearbreak, all of this awkwardness, all these mockeries… why? because I am one year older… yes, older… I may be a young girl but I am one year older. Is it sane to mock somebody that gets old? is it fair to break one’s heart because they are aging?

No. But it is adequate to hate on one because he or she spent one year without gaining anything! But wait…who told them I gained nothing? Is it even possible to spend one year and learn nothing from it? if you stayed that whole year locked in your room, only between the dank four walls, you will learn something, you will reach your mind power… at least… there’s always something to learn, no matter where from! so is it appropriate to hate on someone because they have failed doing one thing while succeeding doing another?

Yes, one year is indeed a big loss! No one can deny that, one can only learn plenty of  things in one year time, but if this person never tastes that bittersweet feeling, that same heartbreak I forementioned, if one does not know what it is like to not learn all of those “plenty” things, if one does not feel regret at a point, if one does not acknowledge that even he or she is can not succeed, then this one does not know what failure is thus is not afraid of it, and is therefore not considering the risks…

Failure… from my own experience, is only somehow a … partial word if I may say, you fail at something while you are, consciously or not, succeeding at another. And failure itself is a gain, because if you know its bitter taste, you will be ready to not get caught in its trap once more.

I hace failed this year, I have not succeeded my studies, I have failed making the right choices, I have failed making my parents happy and giving them back what they deserve but…I have learnt…